i've been working on the second part of my comic like a mad man over the last couple of days to meet the deadline. it has to be in melbourne by 5pm monday which means i probably have to send it friday morning or something.

anyway, point is because i'm running so late, i won't have a lot of time to ponder over the final product, finding and fixing spelling mistakes, deciding whether the entire thing is stoopid or not, that kind of thing. so if any of you can be bothered, can you check it out and see what you think. i'm after our general thoughts, suggestions and most definately and mistakes or stupid errors you may find. it would be greatly appreciated.

it's all pretty much finished except for page 2 which is missing half a panel.

sorry for the thread mods, feel free to lock it in a couple of days if you want...

orginal comic is here for those who haven't seen it and want to: http://www.deviantart.com/view/14585173/


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-01.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-02.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-03.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-04.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...salt2-05-06.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-07.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-08.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-09.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-10.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-11.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-12.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-13.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-14.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-15.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-16.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-17.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-18.jpg


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-19.jpg

I'll do the first panel. I think you meant "Girl, with all that's goin' on..."

Neh, gone works too...Oh and i've already pointed out "maikng" to him :P.

That's some nice work there.


I like it how you named one of the thugs 'Manny' :P

Not kocher. I got my arse kicked, it should've been the other way around!

That was an enjoyable read mark, nice work :thumbsup:

That was awesome!!! :thumbsup:

I didn't seen any mistakes though, but with the amount that I make myself, that doesn't surprise me. :lol:

dz that's not a bad suggestion... the goings on are still present tense.

evo thanks again boyee :D

steve thanks mate. i hadn't planned to call him manny, it just happened at 1am last night. worked out good though.

manny sorry dad. but all my characters who don't get beaten up already have names.

borg cheers borg.

thanks for the feedback fellas, i'm feeling a bit better about it than i did at 2am.

if that was intentional, that would be really funny.

:D

Thanks for saving me from 56K death by linking them. :P Netspace busted a cap in my arse, but I'll read it when I get the DSL back up and they don't take forever to load.

Oh, and it's great to have you back posting mark. I thought the whole moving experience may have meant you got a life. :D

Nice artwork and a very enjoyable read.

Am I the only one who found the whole script cringeworthy? I'm not one to heap praise on Film Guru, but it's suddenyl appararent why you're an artist and he's a scriptwriter.

I can't be bothered listing all the mistakes that I've already told marky over MSN but I noticed quite a few missing commas and a few spelling mistakes, including "maikng" :P

Actually, it aint too bad. Don't understand the relevance of the dog though, and the story does seem to progress a little slowly. Seems like it's a movie that actually contains alot of the 'deleted scenes'.

Oh, and I found a spelling error. On the second page, second last panel, the dog says "making", but you spelt it "maikng"

Hrrrm. Well I liked it. I like your art, of course. The characterisation was very good and works well with the art. A few comments though;

- Obscure net references don't always work; like "mofo" seemed out of place.

- It took me quite a few comics to figure that the male lead's sister was, well, his sister. I don't know, I don't normally ask my sister to get scantily clad and come to the beach with me. I thought they were dating and just had one of those strangely aggressive relationships.

- A tonne of you leaks into the characters. This is my main complaint and (overall) I think detracts from the whole story. I mean it's clear that you, the author, like pulp fiction, and like quoting stuff, and are a big fan of Secret of Mana. You sort of don't want to give too much of yourself away in the comic, I think.

- The people are too hot to play obscure SNES games.

- Fight scenes are awesome. More of them.

That's about it. I can tell it's going to be a pretty lengthy story :S

Very nice, 10/10. :D

I think you're doing a great job. I would suggest easing up on the quoting a bit though you get top marks for the incredibly obscure Temple of Doom reference and for cranking out with a bit of Faith No More.

Everyone loves Patton. :D

Oh yeah, i'd also like to point out that Secret of Mana is crap. Change it up.

Yeah the whole sister thing is....weird. All good apart from that.

sweet. Just something that may be an issue - "Chan" is not a Japanese surname. I guess it's not really important - just lots of Asians who read that will think you're a n00b :P

Ooh, nice pickup.

Make it Miyamoto..... you know you want to.

Not bad mate, it does drag on a bit, but very good in the end.

8.5/10

No comments on the talking dog?

oldskool/trin/everyone else thanks heaps for the feedback. much appreciated. i've managed to squeeze and extra day out of the deadline from the publishers so i get the weekend to go over it a couple of times and refine anything that i need to. takes a lot of the stress out the whole thing. but thanks once again to all you guys for responding so quickly. there's a lot of love in here... mostly.

no danger of that mate :D sorry for the lack of warning.

apparently.

haha! that quote is going on the intro page :D

net reference? i didn't even know it was, i've been saying for years. you probably have a point though. going back through it, i didn't realise how much i'd used it.

i probably could have made that fact a little more obvious. even in the first chapter it's a little subtle. point taken. but anyway, she asked him if he wanted to go to the beach :D

i did actually want to make a story that was basically a reflection of my interests and personality. it's pretty much a tribute to my teenage years and gaming/movie culture. my mate's absolutely love it as they are partly inspiration for the ideas and events in the story. it will be obscure and contain in jokes that will alienate people a bit, but i think there's still enough in it for those not in 'the know'. dave cool didn't get half of it but still liked it :D . anyways, i have two other stories i'm working on that aren't written in this style at all, it's just that this one is. once again though, point taken. i will be toning all that down in the future.

:D that is also going on the intro page. but allow me to retort, i know 4 hott chicks that enjoy a snes session here and there. admittedly it's not mana, but still.

good to hear. the next chapter is actually pretty much going to be one big fight scene.

yeah, the main bulk of it isn't all that drawn out. i have an ending planned and a couple of key events that will happen along the way, but the majority will be spontaneous. once i've worked my way through this first story arc, i'm planning to make it into a one page weekly thing like vg cats or penny arcade. but i'll see how that pans out.

anyway, thanks very much for your thorough feedback and crit. i really appreciate you bothering mate. cheers.

and if not, they really should :D thanks for your comments mr. president. as always your opinion is greatly valued... especially seeing how it's generally pretty positive :D

from now there will be less emphasis put on quoting and referencing stuff, i do agree that this chapter went a little overboard. next chapter pretty much won't have any so it should balance it out. i'm glad someone spotted the temple of doom reference :D now i'm just waiting for someone to comment on the somersault kick...

those 2 pages were dedicated to you :D

it's interesting because i actually have a really good relationship with my sister. we hang out a lot and if she wasn't married with kids, i'd probably be living with her. so the relationship in the comic feels natural to me, but i guess i can understand how some people wouldn't identify with it.

yeah, i was thinking about that. i wanted the family to be jap but i also wanted to do the chan joke. she was originally going to be called charlie but i thought jackie was funnier (and is also a very subtle tribute to hello :P ). anyways, i'll just throw in a mention somewhere down the track that her adotive parents have chinese ancestry, but have lived in japan for four generations or something. problem solved :D

phew. once again fellas, thank you all for bothering to give me your thoughts. you're a top bunch of blokes and i owe you all a tooheys old.

oh, i'll post the intro page in a bit so the people i've quoted can see what i've used.

and here it is...


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ersan/intro.jpg

dave, if you could proof read that too that would be great :D oh and i didn't use your real name in the cred because you seemed to be a little trepidacious about it on msn. if you want me to, though, just let me know by tomorrow and i'll change it. otherwise i'll let it go as is.

Oh, I got a question. I read most of the plot, it's too clipped and back and forth for mine, but I digress. What is the significance of head? And why is the chick heading there? Was this another obscure joke I don't get?

Another question, what is the target market of this comic?

what, what and what? i'm not quite sure what you're asking... can you be more specific?

target market is kinda unspecified... it's going in an australian manga anthology.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v629/laz...ocksalt2-16.jpg

Third last scene...I think, she says shes going to head.

Head-off.

You haven't heard people use the term "I'm going to head" before? :huh:


Me and my mates use it all the time. :)

I'm going to head? Elimination of "off"? For what reason?

I'm going to head. MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

We are Aussies, we shorten lots of words and phrases...how is this surprising?

Didn't think it took poeple in Albury that long to catch onto new lingo. :P


Oh and I meant to type "gonna" instead of "going to".

I think it's a mistake.

[m]av has the right idea.

Being just text on a page, it can make what seems like a perfectly okay thing to say In real life seem completely out of context. It's probably for the best that you add the 'Off' on the end, because as [m]av has shown, not everyone is subjected to the same way of speaking as you may have.

I got quoted!

:D

same, i thought it was pretty common actually. the language in the comic is intentionally colloquial and i think it would be pretty much impossible to pre-emt and account for people's exposure to it. besides, in this case, i think it's pretty self explanitory. especially after she says 'i think i've imposed on you enough' directly before it.

on the intro page while manny might have said it (and i can't be bothered scrolling up to check), "alot" is not an actual word.

The drawings are obviously awesome, but I think the dialogue could be refined a bit. It just seems a bit fake or something. And while it's kinda awesome that you could create something like that, if i was reading that in the local comic store I'd probably think it was a little boring. But regardless I was very, very impressed.

There is a mistake on that intro page. On the second last paragraph it says "...shocked to see Jackson but lets him in and quickly and disappears again". Also, maybe a comma could be used after "Jackson" and before "but", maybe not needed though.

I love this comic, the storyline is great :D.

good feedback, thanks mate. the general consensis seems to be the story is a little slow. that's actually good because snappier scripts and faster events mean less work for me in the end :D i'll keep things more concise from now on.

you're right about manny's quote. i actually changed it a little bit to work better without the first sentence in his post but didn't bother fixing the spelling. i shall.

edit: nice spot, rikku. i'll fix that too :D you guys are so helpful.

I like it alot!

So it's not a word huh... where was it derived from? Dumb and Dumber? Odd.

It's two words 'a lot' . ;)